


A Poison Tree

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: A fun look into Aaron's self worth issues, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Panic Attacks, this is not happy lads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 23:16:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: Aaron is trying so hard to be the perfect husband, but no matter what he does he can't seem to keep Robert happy. The insecurities only grow stronger. Vaguely bases off of the poem 'A Poison Tree'





	A Poison Tree

**Author's Note:**

> Wow two in one day! after weeks of nothing! Amazing!

It all comes to a head in the pub, no better place to find out that your husband cheated on you than surrounded by villagers and nosy passers through. It makes it much harder for him to close his eyes and pretend that this is Robert’s sick idea of a joke but it isn’t even Robert who tells him. It’s Rebecca, desperate and angry. She’s looking to lash out and make somebody hurt. He doesn’t know if she’s trying to hurt him or Robert. It draws a strange sort of parallel to how he broke the news to Chrissie. It’s no less than he deserves. She doesn’t stop there though, she just keeps going, and lists every vile and nasty thing Robert had said to her about him. When he meets her eye from across the pub he can see the regret flicker over her face. It’s a small comfort. _After all they were supposed to be friends_.

He knows he probably isn’t reacting to this news the way he should be. He knows he’s supposed to be angry, to shout. He knows that he should be doing anything other than passively watching the situation unfold before him. He can’t gather the will. It’s karma he thinks, that after what he did to Chrissie that it’s fitting her sister would be the one to start this off. That she’s the one showing him his life bared before him. The crumbling wreck that his marriage stark for the whole village to see. He probably shouldn’t react to the culmination of his husband’s lying and manipulation with little more than a defeated ‘oh’. He’s so tired.

Another thing that doesn’t come is the tears. Aaron’s always been a crier ever since he was little but they don’t come. He doesn’t think he has the will for tears either. He hardly remembers leaving the pub but he must have at some point because he’s stood outside with Robert. He’s talking, trying to explain himself. Aaron can’t quite understand the words that are coming out of his mouth probably couldn’t repeat them back. One thing that is quickly made clear to him though is that it’s all his fault. He can’t say he’s surprised Robert had said before that he always ruined everything, of course he was the one to ruin their marriage.

“Okay” his voice is a flat as he is “I understand”

He does understand, he was stupid to expect anything else. He has a thing about him that makes people hate him, his mum, Sandra, his dad. He drove them all to hate him as well. They don’t tell him as much anymore, especially not his mum but he knows what he is. Worthless. A Worthless waste of space that’s him. The only reason people stopped telling him the truth was because he was pulling apart at the seams, they’re all good people who wouldn’t want to be responsible for that.  He’d almost forgotten the truth, perhaps it’s a good thing he was reminded, before he truly forgot his place. After all how could he expect someone like Robert to remain faithful to a disaster like him? Maybe that’s why he can’t find the will to get angry, because this is no less than he deserves. Someone like him, Aaron’s lucky to have a husband at all.

So he tries harder to be better. Stops leaving mess about the house, puts his shoes in Robert’s stupid rack instead of leaving them by the door. He does his level best to stop the petty arguments. He fails and it makes Robert’s hard truth play in his head like a record, literally a failure at everything. To compensate for it he backs down faster and offers apologies faster too. It gets much harder when Liv hears about what Rob did. She blows up, screaming and shouting at him. He doesn’t blame her. Robert betrayed Liv too and she doesn’t deserve it the way he does. He wishes she wouldn’t though because she keeps sniping at Robert and Robert’s bad mood because of it carries over to their interactions. So they’re arguing more which increases the fear that Robert is going to realise how bad he really is.

Vic and Rob have had a massive fall out as well, he’s pretty sure that Robert has fallen out of grace with half the village as well, he isn’t sure why exactly but he guesses they still consider cheating bad even if the other person deserved it. Either way the strain is getting to them so Aaron has to try harder to placate Robert and it’s been taking a sledgehammer to his energy levels. Their sex life has suffered for it which doesn’t help with the strain his marriage is under.

He admits that when nearly a month after the scene in the pub, Rebecca shows up at their front door. He still isn’t angry. The concern marring her face is more than a little unsettling but he stands aside to let her in anyway, it’s not right to leave a pregnant women standing on your doorstep. Besides, they’re supposed to be friends. He makes her a brew and tells her to sit down in the living room. She’s probably here to talk to Robert and he’s not going to be long.

“Why do you stay with him after everything he’s done to you?” The question is almost blurted out but it must’ve been something she’d wanted to ask for a while now.

“We love each other” The words sound far too brittle to be the truth but he doesn’t have another reason to give.

****

One day they’re all sat at the kitchen table together for tea, he can’t say he’s sure what exactly they’re eating though. It tastes like ash in his mouth. Liv and Robert are arguing about something, he doesn’t know what it is about or who started it and frankly he doesn’t care. The argument grates on his ears and gets on every single one of his admittedly frayed nerves, it doesn’t sound like they’re going to stop anytime soon. It’s getting harder to think, sharp and irritated voices are filling every space in his head and it hurts. It’s too much, they’re so loud echoing about his head. He just wants them to _stop._ The anger takes him by surprise, ripping through his body and disrupting the numbness that had settled deep into his bones.

“Shut up, Shut up. _Just be quiet_ ” The sheer volume and anger in his voice catches himself off-guard as well.

He’s stood up now, the impact of his hands on the table has sent their plates jolting off the table and causing a crashing sound as they land. The pain in his hands extends all the way up to his elbows, he tries not to savour it. Just as quickly as the anger had come it was gone again leaving him with a hollow nothing. Aaron can’t pinpoint the exact moment he started crying but he definitely is right now. Robert hesitantly reaches over to him but on instinct he flinches away from his hand. Liv is far less hesitant in her actions, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the living room. She doesn’t say anything, just sits next to him with a hand on his back as he tries desperately to pull himself back together.

****

He’s fallen out with most of his own family now. They keep talking to him, telling him what to do, trying to control him. He doesn’t need their help, his marriage is just fine. Then it isn’t fine because Aaron’s gone and ruined everything all over again. Robert’s supposed to be going out for a meeting in the evening so Aaron had said that he’d sort tea. He had sorted tea. He’d made chilli, got as far as to put it into one of the big serving bowls so it could go into the fridge to warm up later because he didn’t have enough time to make anything after work. It’s when he actually goes to put it into the fridge that he drops the bowl. The sound of shattering glass steals the air from his lungs because he’s done it again hasn’t he. He had one job and of fucking course he went and ruined it.

He’s literally a failure at everything, their tea is all over the kitchen floor and Aaron isn’t doing anything about it. He’s stood rooted to the spot with the sound of blood roaring through his head. He only had one thing to get right and he couldn’t even do that right. Robert was going to be so angry with him and he didn’t have it in him to defend himself during a fight today. Maybe Robert would sleep with another person again, to punish him. To hurt him because he was a bad person and an even worse husband. He doesn’t deserve loyalty.

The time must’ve passed quickly as he was standing there because Adam let himself in, sounding irritated as he called out. The sound of his mate’s voice is what finally springs him into action. He drops to his knees and tries to clear up the mess as quickly as possible. In his panic he mostly just ends up making it worse, smearing chilli about and cutting his fingers open with glass shards. The firm hand placed on his shoulder scares him more than he’d like to admit. He jolts away from the touch and presses himself into and corner and draws his knees up to his chest. It hits him how hard a time he’s been having with breathing. He doesn’t want anyone to see how pathetic he is. Not Adam, not anyone at all.

He’s worthless and now everyone is going to see it now. Now that he’s done this everyone is going to leave him and there isn’t anything he can do about it. There has to be a line to draw and he fears that his failure today is going to be the final straw. His mind turns to when his mum disowned him, told him that she didn’t want to know. She’d probably had the right idea then. Adam’s eye catches his, it looks like he’s been trying for a while. Why hasn’t Adam left yet? He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand how anyone could stay with him. Aaron is not someone worth any kind of effort. He made his husband sleep with somebody else, he’s lucky Robert stayed at all.

“Aaron mate!” He doesn’t understand “Aaron! Look at me”

After God knows how long his eyes meet Adam’s and Aaron has always been weak but he’s always been particularly weak to Adam. Aaron can’t bring himself to pull his eyes away again, instead he lets his best friend pull his head away from his own reprimanding thoughts. He does what he’s supposed to do when this happens, and isn’t it laughable that they have a protocol for this now, he tries to mirror Adam’s breathing. He imagines it makes for a ridiculous scene a grown man crouched in the corner of his kitchen, it’s pathetic that Adam is having to talk him down yet again and Aaron would try and brush it off if only he could _calm down_.

“Okay, I’m going to touch you now” his voice raises in pitch at the end which means that Aaron’s meant to offer some kind of response so he jerks his head. Although he isn’t sure what he means by it.

Even if Aaron wasn’t sure what he meant, evidently Adam has taken is as an affirmative because there is a hand with a firm grip on the back of his neck. His forehead is pressed against Adam’s and Adam has a hand on his neck, rubbing slow circles with his thumb. The guilt sets heavy in his stomach because Aaron shouldn’t need this, it feels almost as if he’s being unfaithful. Even so he lets the touch ground him and he makes himself focus on mirroring his mate’s breathing once more.

“That’s it, that’s it” He sounds like he’s talking to some spooked animal rather than the grown man that he is.

Eventually Aaron is able get his breathing to even out, there’s so much he needs to do still, starting with cleaning up the mess he’s made of his own kitchen followed by sorting out something for Robert to eat before he goes to his meeting, but Aaron is just so tired. So he doesn’t move, instead he lets his eyes fall closed as he leans against Adam’s warmth. Let himself absorb the comfort that’s being offered even though it’s a comfort he doesn’t deserve.  Good things never last long when Aaron is concerned because Adam starts to pull away from him. The noise that is pulled from his throat is embarrassing to say the least but he just can’t help it because Adam is _leaving._ Then Adam stops pulling away from him but he doesn’t come back again either, which isn’t reassuring.

“I need to sort your hands out” The same tone from before “I’m coming back bro, I promise”

With that Adam is gone and he’s all alone again. Sat alone on the kitchen floor with nothing but his failed attempt at being a good husband to keep him company. Aaron has to admit to himself that his hands do hurt, a lot. They’re all sticky now, whether it’s from half dried blood or remnants of the chili making them so. He isn’t sure and he doesn’t have to will to check. He lets his head fall back to rest on the cupboard doors. Distantly he can hear Adam’s hushed voice talking to somebody, he sounds upset. Aaron doesn’t have it in him to care that that is his fault as well.

Suddenly Adams there again, having finished with whoever he was talking to before, Aaron can’t help but be relieved when Adam dumps the first aid kit beside him. Adam came back and for a moment it’s the only thing that matters. The sting of antiseptic is gone too soon and not fast enough. But then the cuts on his hands are covered with plasters and Adam drops his hands onto his lap. It’s harder than he’d like to admit to stop himself from making a grab at Adam’s hands.

*****

The next morning is when Robert finally comes home to him. He’s fuming mad and barely spares Aaron a glance as he rushes past him in the hall. Aaron can’t blame him because he knows Rob’s been stressed with the baby and meetings and work. It’s probably his fault as well because in the end Robert had had to go to Vic’s for his tea because Aaron didn’t have the energy to clean up the mess himself let alone actually cook something. He needs to thank her for that.

“Where were you last night?” he hates the uncertainty in his voice, hates that this is what Robert has made him,

“Meeting ran over, stayed at a hotel” It’s dismissive like Robert doesn’t even care about how worried he’d been.

“You could’ve at least called me.” At that Robert actually turns to look at him, he thinks Robert is finally tired of offering reassurances.

“Look can you just stop it with this jealous queen act, the meeting ran over, I stayed at a hotel that’s all”

After that response Aaron could’ve snapped back escalated this into a fight but he doesn’t want to do that. He’s already messed up too much recently and if he pushes this Robert might up and leave him all together. So instead Aaron backs down, lets him go storming up the stairs while Aaron walks out of the front door. Instead of starting a fight, leaves for work and tries to convince himself that all of _this_ is okay.

When he gets to the scrapyard Adam is immediately on his case, usually he’s up for spending time with Adam but not right now. Adam doesn’t seem in the mood for a laugh either, his brow furrowed in concern. He hopes that he wasn’t the one to put it there after yesterday, Aaron knows he’s a bit useless but he isn’t going to break or anything.

“You spoken to Robert yet?” There’s the question he’s been waiting for,

“Briefly, he only came in this morning, why?”

“Him and Vic had a screaming row last night that’s all” These a pause as Adam seems to process what he’d said “Only came in this morning?”

“Leave it yeah?” Aaron hopes that Adam actually gets the hint that this is the end of the conversation now. It’s actually time to get some work done.

The rest of the day passes in relative quiet for the two of them and he gets home from the scrapyard far calmer than he was when he left this morning.

******

For a while their relationship carries on without any notable incident, they’ve argued but there’s been no screaming matches that last for hours and leave his head spinning and feeling ill. For the most part Aaron thinks that they’ve gone back to normal, he still can’t get rid of that feeling, tugging at the back of his head telling him he’s only got to fuck up one more time before Robert strays again, but lately they’ve been affectionate more often than not. That has to be a good sign.

Today isn’t a good day for Aaron, its Jackson’s anniversary so he already isn’t in a good place, all he wants to do is get through the day so he can go and visit Jackson. So naturally today is also the day that Robert decides to kick off about something or other. Aaron wants to feel bad because Robert had wanted to do something nice but they could have a meal together any day, today he _needs_ to go and see Jackson, to clear up his grave, have a bit of a chat, that sort of thing. So Aaron had said no, which was his first mistake, because he knows Rob doesn’t like being told no. So Aaron’s on edge and Robert’s in a mood which has always been and always will be a recipe for disaster.

He tries to make it up to him by making them something nice for lunch, but Robert isn’t having any of it and the conversation stays awkward and stilted throughout. Somehow they end up in the bedroom, which isn’t surprising because they’ve always been good at sex. It’s not that having sex with Robert is bad, it really isn’t. The sex is good, great even but it’s empty. He doesn’t _feel_ anything during, there’s no emotional connection between them anymore. It feels like a hollow imitation of what sex with his husband should feel like. Aaron can’t help but wonder if this is what falling out of love feels like.

Eventually he finishes work and he gets to drive down to the graveyard and talk with Jackson. It’s not a deep conversation after all, all he’s really doing is talking at a gravestone. He talks anyway though, tells Jackson that he’s not been forgotten, what Aaron’s been up to lately, apologies for not visiting more often. Aaron used to think that Jackson was his lot in life, and really Aaron was okay with that, because he loved Jackson more than he really knows how to describe. Because of this Aaron had always figured that his failing love life since was all karma because of what he’d done to him. That he deserved this. Deserved everything that’s going on with Robert; Rebecca, the baby, everything else.

Sitting here with Jackson now he realises that Jackson wouldn’t want this for him. Jackson wouldn’t want Aaron to be miserable in his relationship, to be running himself ragged trying to keep Robert happy so that he wouldn’t cheat again. Jackson wanted him to be happy, at least he would’ve if he’d loved Aaron as much as Aaron had loved him, and Aaron knew that he had been loved. With this realisation Aaron pours out a can of Jackson’s favourite beer for him and says goodbye.

He walks back to the mill in a sort of daze because he’s suddenly seen his relationship laid bare before him, and he doesn’t like what he sees. Naturally Robert is still in a foul mood when he gets home and Aaron is just so sick of being the mature one in this house. He’s sick of not being allowed to be hurt or angry or so much as disagree with Robert without being made to feel like the one in the wrong. Even though he isn’t one picking fights, even though he wasn’t the one who was unfaithful. This time Aaron doesn’t want to be the mature one, so if Robert wants a fight, he’s going to fucking get one. So instead of trying to placate Robert when he started screaming at him, Aaron screams right back.

Aaron can deal with Robert making snide and mean comments about himself but when he starts on Jackson, Aaron just _loses it_.  Suddenly Aaron isn’t holding back anymore, he doesn’t care if this fight ends his marriage, Robert is hitting where he knows he’ll cause the most hurt so Aaron’s going for the throat as well. He barely knows what’s coming out of his mouth anymore, is barely sure which voice is his and which his Robert’s.

“If Jackson were here I wouldn’t even fucking looked at you” It’s not the worst thing that’s been said tonight, not by a longshot but it still brings silence to their home, because it’s true and they both know it.

“If that’s what you do to someone you supposedly loved so much, should I be worried that you’re going to murder me as well?” He scoffs before his eyes widen as if he actually regrets what he said. Aaron thinks for the first time since the reveal he’s actually worried that he’s gone too far.

“Get out” Aaron manages to grit out because if Robert doesn’t leave soon Aaron might actually answer Robert’s words by killing him. Still he doesn’t make any move to leave and Aaron is rapidly losing the grasp he has on his temper. Then he’s pushing Robert through the door because if he doesn’t leave soon Aaron doesn’t know what he’ll do. He doesn’t think that there’s any coming back from this one. It’s not the worst thing Robert has done or said but it is almost certainly the straw that broke the camel’s back. He just can’t take it anymore.

When Aaron manages to force Robert out of the door, he slams the door shut behind him. Aaron lets himself rest his forehead against the stained glass window and tries his best to compose himself. He’s glad to remember that Liv is staying at Gabby’s for the night because he had started that fight without any thought to Liv and she didn’t need to hear all that. It also means that he’s home entirely alone tonight, which isn’t good because he’s not exactly in a good headspace right now. Of course he isn’t, he’s pretty certain he just ended his marriage. So Aaron gives himself a few more minutes to pull himself together enough that he’s stopped crying, even though he barely registered starting. After a long stretch of stillness broken only by his own uneven breathing, he reaches down to grab his phone. He calls Adam.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! and as always, feedback is always loved


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